Crazy Cooking

Assalamualaikum

Jakarta, 21 November 2016 – 12:16 pm. Break makan siang. Gerimis-gerimis sendu. Dingin-dingin di dada merasuk jiwa. Tapi naga-naga diperut malah beradu membabi buta. #PukPuk yang sabar ya nak, buka puasa masih 6 jam lagi.

Ngomong-ngomong puasa, aku lagi giat-giatnya belajar masak nih. Apa hubungannya Ntannn? hehe ga ada ya? adalah. Kan masak – makan – dan menahan lapar itu satu rumpun.

Jadi, begini. Sekitar 2 mingguan jadi penghuni baru apartemen, seluruh peralatan masak nyaris nothing. Cuma ada tupperware-tupperware yang udah full ama cemilan-cemilan tamu dan air akua. Memang smuanya masih bertahap. Aku masih konsen sama alat-alat kebersihan. Clean first lah. Kalo langsung sekali banyak, bisa sakit kepala ngatur duitnya. Hahaha

Oke! setelah semua alat kebersihan nyaris lengkap. Kecuali satu, pembersih kaca yang ga disediain indomart. Satu persatu aku nyicil beli perabotan masak. Dan satu0satunya yang aku beli adalah CIRI & MUTU. What is ciri and mutu? ciri and mutu is ULEKAN beibeh! Hahahaha

Karena aku anaknya hampir udah mati rasa sama pedes, dan cuma chili yang bisa meningkatkan gairah makan aku, sehingga untuk memicu program #INTANAFIAH45KG2017 alat tersebut wajib munfasil dimiliki untuk chief newbie macam awak ni.

Oke! lanjut ke piring dan gelas satu lusin. Dan sendok garpu yang bejibun. Aku tutup dengan beli pisau dapur yang kece gila. Dan, selama seminggu hingga 2 minggu kedepan. Barang-barang itu sama sekali ga kepake, kecuali buat ngupas apel, itu aja lebih sering di brakot daripada dipotong, dan FIX! semua itu nyaris sia-sia tanpa guna.

Singkat cerita bak sim salabim semuanya udah ada. Tefon, panci, tatakan, tirisan dan serok udah siap. Sayur dan segala macem pun udah lengkap. Tinggal mental aja nih yang harus di bangkitkan. Semacam flashback bayang-bayang di buli karena ga bisa ngupas wortel, motong bawang, dan ngulek sambel terngiang-ngiang diatas kepala. Kalo di film utaran, selain muka aku yang cemas-cemas gemes di zoom out 1000px sampe komedo-komedonya keliatan, kameramen yang muter-muter kaya gangsing kena ayan ga jelas merekam detik-detik aku mau masak. “Duhh!! masak banget nih?”

Kalo ga salah itu tanggal-tanggal aku udah gajian ya? akan sangat banyak alasan buat males masak karena duit masih banyak dan kantin so dekat. Tapi lagi-lagi “Bukan intan kalo ga bisa begini doank mah!” #hasek. Jadilah, siang menuju sore dengan harapan yang gemintang, akupun memberanikan diri untuk nelpon mama

“Mah, mmm intan mau . . .”

“Mau apa?”

“Mmmm sebenernya . . . “

“Mau nikah? kan mama udah bilang, ntar dulu aja, biayanya ga ada”

“Bukan! issshhhh”

“Apa? Mau uang jajan?”

“Ga mamahhhhh, intan mau nanya”

“Mau nanya mama minta kado apa pas ulang tahun ya? hehehe mama minta berlian ajalah ga usah yang mahal-mahal”

DUAR!!!!!

“Bukan ibuku yang kucintaaaa, intan mau nanya mmm bikin sop itu gimana ceritanya”

Dan dengan tawa yang ga ada hentinya, mama aku ngasih handphonenya ke si bibi. Bibi dengan biasa, selain mendramatisir Non Intan yang ga bisa apa-apa ini dengan “Ndak usah mba” “Nanti mba intan kenapa-kenapa” “Emang serius” itu benar-benar membuatku muaggg!! hahahaha.

“Aduhh biii . . .  plis deh! aku bisa ko! ya ya kasi tau ya?” akhirnya dengan rumah yang sebrantakan himinasyaitonirojim aku mencatat satu-satu intruksi si Bibi. Mengulanginya berkali-kali (maksudnya bingung, si bibi lagi nyebutin jenis amuba macam mana sih buat dicemplungin ke adonan?) garuk-garuk ga ngerti sampai kayang-kayang aku ga faham sama yang di ceritain. Oke! itu lebai, aku ga sepayah itu. Tapi buat yang satu ini aku ga ngerti.

img_1239.jpg

Udah tau bakal di buli masih aja di upload

“Bi, emmm ku mau nanya nih”

“Merica sama Ketumbar itu yang mana ya? Ini dua-duanya bulet-bulet e, tadi bibi bilang yang bulet-bulet kecil, ini dua-duanya juga kecil-kecil”

Satu, dua, tiga. Seketika suara bibi menghilang.

“Bi . . . bi . . . bibi baik-baik aja?” Seperti tercekik, suara bibi mengatung dilangit-langit. Waduh, bahaya juga. Makan belum tapi udah sekarat aja ditanya aku mau masak.

“Biiiii . . . biii . . . jangan tinggalin akuuuu . . . . BIBIIIII . . . . ” Suaranya menggaung ke angkasa. Bibi sudah tiada. Gerimis turun dengan awan mendung yang menggulung. Hancur sudah hatiku. Baru mau belajar masak aja, yang ngajarin telah tiada. Alasanya sepele, karena aku nanya mana merica mana ketumbar. Hot news yang ga pentinh dimasukin TV One. Sungguh, ini bukan pembunuhan berencana.

1 2 3 hingga puluhan detik, tiba-tiba

“HAHAHAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH”

DUARR!!! Semua orang ketawa. Semua? Ia S E M U A. Itu artinya telephonya di loudspeaker yang mana tadi sebelum hadnphone ini diserahin ke si Bibi, mamah cerita kalo ada bude, tante, pak de, dan orang-orang di toko. Jadi ribet gitu, makanya dikasih ke si bibi. Bukan mama ga bisa masak.

WHAT THE BEIB! Aib aku sebagi princess di Bani Bustamin terbongkar. Aku yang sering di elu-elukan keluarga berubah menjadi secuil mint sisa odol indomart *langsung mojok dibawah sower sambil maen pasir*

“Masa gitu aja ga tau si nduk”  Mama makin menjadi provokator hiruk pikuk aku dibuli. Positifnya, mungkin mama bangga, anak nomer duanya mau belajar masak. Tapi kayaknya bangga ga begitu juga sih kata-katanya hikss. Mamahpun tidak memihak kepadaku yang hina dina. Gapapah gapapah. Aku maafkan. Untung mama, ibu aku. Kalo bukan ibu kandung aku . . . . . .. . .  udah aku aduin ke mamah aku! *iki opoooo*

img_1240.jpg

Ini komentar masih positif, hwkwkw

Dan. . .  . bersambung.

Lah? dimana crazy cooking nya? Udah di ujung tanduk gitu terus selesai gitu aja? itu tu ibarat mau pup udah mau jatoh terus dipangil pak bos, masuk lagi itu pupnya HAHAHAHA.

Yaudah emang segitu aja! Hahahah terus? yoben sih! kan akunya mau kerja lagi. Di postingan selanjutnya aku bakal nulis deh bahan-bahannya apa, step-stepnya gimana. Terus fotonya kek mana, sampai komentar-komentar netizen yang memekakan telinga gimana. Hahaha. Wasyem banget! aku udah jago aja masih di buli lho sama anak-anak. Awas aja! besok aku bikin restoran aku traktir mereka semua! hm aku sombong kan? hehe

Baiklah. aku mau kerja lagi. 13:14  telat 14 menit dari jam istirahat. Semoga tulisan yang ga ada manfaat-manfaatnya ini bermanfaat. Bhay!

Jakarta, 21 November 2016.

Dikantor, kepanasan.

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